Had to pass gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
gas with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Backwards

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

Abortion

Abortion jokes aren't funny...
cut it out.

Jerking Off

My mom walked in on me jerking off today.
I was completely freaked out.
I didn't even know she had a penis.

Money

Whoever said "money doesn't buy happiness" is an idiot. I've never seen a man unhappy while snorting cocaine off stripper tits.

"Q" and "O"

What’s the difference between “O” and “Q”? A dick.

Spinach And Ass

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.