Had to pass gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately 
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my 
gas with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, 
and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Backwards

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

Abortion

Abortion jokes aren't funny...
cut it out.

Jerking Off

My mom walked in on me jerking off today.
I was completely freaked out.
I didn't even know she had a penis.

Money

Whoever said "money doesn't buy happiness" is an idiot. I've never seen a man unhappy while snorting cocaine off stripper tits.

"Q" and "O"

What’s the difference between “O” and “Q”? A dick.

Spinach And Ass

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Siamese Twin

My siamese twin told me a really funny joke today.

I almost pissed himself.

Tricycle

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

Relish, Mustard, Ketchup

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Satan/Santa

I bet Satan gets a lot of letters from dyslexic kids on Christmas.

Cocaine

You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

Prison Rapists

Prison rapists.

They put the cum in scumbags.

Dear Vegetarians

Dear Vegetarians, if you love animals that much, why do you eat all of their food?

"Last Night Was A Blur..."

“Last night was a blur. I vaguely remember sucking on some titties, and then shitting myself.”

- Sam, 10 months old.

Bicycle Can't Stand

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Two Of Each Animal

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

Prisoner's Punctuation

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Puns

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

A Flat Miner

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

Resisting Arest

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Rape Advice Line

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Hit With Soda

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Fear Of Hurdles

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Drug Rehab Center

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Key To Life

A lock needs a key and a hole to unlock, right? 
Well...the other day in class, my teacher asked, "What is the key to life?"
Apparently "penis" wasn't the answer.

30-Minute Showers

My son thinks he’s funny, with those 30-minute showers. He thinks I don’t suspect anything of him. Silly boy, he’s obviously thinking about philosophy…

McDonald's For Salad

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

Money Grows On Trees

Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana.

Grammar Is The Difference

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.

You Slut

I bet you're naked under all those clothes you slut.

Yes And No

Use “yes” and “no” once each. 1) Are you gay?:_____  2) Are you lying?:_____ .

Romeo And Juliet

I got kicked out of a Romeo and Juliet play. Juliet dies. Romeo says: "What am I going to do now?"

I yelled, "Fuck her before she gets cold."

If You Wanna Run Away...

My girlfriend said, "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know."

Apparently she meant together.

If I'm Wrong...

Fuck me if I'm wrong but I think you wanna have sex with me.

Jay-Z And His Daughter

Jay-Z has a song for his daughter called glory. Glory spelled backwards is yrolg which means absolutely nothing, but I had you for a second.

Love Birds

If people who are in love together are called "Love Birds" then people who always argue together should be called "Angry Birds.”

I Would Like Some Birth Control

Girl: I would like to buy some birth control.

Pharmacist: Your face is the only form of birth control you need.

Dear Math Teacher

Dear Math Teacher, I don't care what f(x) is. Sincerely, f(you).

If Pluto Isn't A Planet...

If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small, then are midgets really people?

Babysitter Job

I applied for a job as a babysitter today.

I was asked if I have ever watched kids before, evidently, "from my car" wasn't a good answer.

Poking Holes In My Condoms

My best friend thought it would be funny to poke holes in my condoms. Totally back fired when I got his girl pregnant.

Lock and Key

"Dad, why is it more important for girls to be a virgin than guys?"

"A key that can open any lock if an amazing thing, but a lock that can be opened by any key is worthless.

My Culinary Teacher

My culinary teacher always criticized me.

She kept saying things like, "You didn't add enough flour," and, "Get your penis out of that cake."

I Beat Up The School Bully

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were in casts. I think that's what gave me the courage.

"Just Do It"

I saw a teenage girl walking home today wearing a t-shirt with the slogan 'Just Do It'

So I raped her.

Joseph Married A Slut

On Christmas Day, 2013 years ago, a Jewish carpenter called Joseph found out that he had married a slut...

Math In Class

In class: 1+1=2.
Exercises: 1+2+1=4.
Test: Ross buys 4 oranges. He eats one and gives another to Ted. Calculate the sun's mass.

He Knows When You Are Sleeping

He knows when you are sleeping

He knows when you're awake

You'd better sleep with one eye open

Cuz Santa's a fan of rape

It's Christmas Eve

"It's Christmas Eve!"

"No it isn't, Adam."

My Son Is Gay

My son told me he was gay today.

I'm so proud.....

of my gun. Didn't jam once.

Compulsive Liar

My doctor just told me that I am a compulsive liar.

Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

Pedo

Pedophiles take the “the” out of “psychotherapist.”

Penetration

I had sex with a girl with one leg yesterday.

Probably should have used my penis, though.

Tennis Match

There was a lot of grunting and moaning during this afternoon's ladies' tennis match.

I really should stop masturbating in the crowd.

The Sentence

This sentence is false.

Johnny Depp

My wife recently told me whenever we have sex she closes her eyes and pretends I'm Johnny Depp.

So I fingered her with a pair of scissors

Shaved My Head For Charity

I shaved my head for charity.

Turns out they would have preferred money.

Go To Someone's Funeral

Why should I go to someone's funeral if they won't come to mine?

Peeing While Pooing

My college roommate got mad at me for peeing while pooping. He was like, “What the hell? I’m pooping.”

The Vending Machine

The vending machine down the corner only accepts straight dollar bills. Every time I walk up to it, I’m like “What? You homophobic?”

Vegetarian On Christmas

I think I'd most hate to be a vegetarian at Christmas time. I mean, imagine how crappy Christmas would be if you had no friends.

Missed The Toilet When I Shit

I missed the toilet when I took a shit at work today.

It went all over the side of my boss's car.

1st Country To Legalize Marijuana

CNN: "Uruguay becomes the 1st country to legalize the sale and recreation use of Marijuana"

I have all of my stuff packed.

Warm Public Toilet Seats

Warm public toilet seats are both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.

Peeing In The Shower

My roommate yelled at me for peeing in the shower....

He was like "Dude, what the hell? I'm trying to take a shower!"

Help With My Alcoholism

I'm seeking help with my alcoholism at the moment.

I'm looking for someone to buy me some liquor.

Looking For Jobs

I didn't do much today. Just sat in my underwear looking for jobs online.

My boss was furious.

Sneezing And Orgasms

Sneezing is a lot like having an orgasm.

It's not polite to do it all over someone on the bus.

Kanye and Kim

If Kanye and Kim were drowning and you only had enough time to save one, what kind of sandwich would you make?

Kamikaze

Kamikaze is a dying art.

If Pilgrims Had Killed Cats

If the pilgrims had killed cats, we'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Cause Of Pedophilia

What's the biggest cause of pedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Laughter is the best medicine.

That's why priests read out bible verses to heal people.

Dick

"Dick" means detective...in the dictionary...so the other day I hired a detective. My dick is so big that it's the size of a man.

Walking into the club

Walkin' into the club like "What up I got a big...oh my gosh...oh my gosh...I'm so sorry... continue on with your funeral."

Water

Water is lethal. Studies have shown that 100% of people who drink water die. Don't drink water.