Paul Walker Driving

My friend: "Your Paul Walker jokes are really driving everyone crazy."
Me: "At least I can drive."

Pooping In Clean Water

I wonder if the kids in Africa know that we have so much clean water that we poop in it...

Paul Walker

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt.

Nelson Mandela

Stupid ignorant people who question the significance of what Nelson Mandela achieved have clearly never heard his 'I Have A Dream' speech.

Grandma Suicide

Helping my Grandma commit suicide was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Particularly when she kept trying to stop me.

Opportunity

What do you call a hot, blind, deaf and dumb sixteen year old girl?

Not an opportunity, according to my therapist.

Earth Rotating

The earth is rotating at over 1000 mph, however humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the ninth or tenth beer.

Finding A Relationship

That awkward moment when you have a better chance at finding Waldo than an actual relationship.

Wrecking Ball

Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball. I'd pay to see that live.

As long as she got hit by one.

Help With Alcoholism

I'm seeking help with my alcoholism at the moment.

I'm looking for someone to buy me some liquor.

Tree Houses

Tree houses are so evil; it's like killing someone and nailing him to his friend.

Spleilng

i jsut ntocied how wlel i splel.

Chinese Labor

Apple: Cost of manufacturing new iPhone is $199.

Plus labor from China, it's $200.

STDs

I was in downtown the other day, and I saw this sign that said "free STD checks". I think they're just perverts.

Blind Man Crossing a Road

Why did the blind man cross the road?

We don't know; he never made it.

Kim Kardashian

What will happen in the next day?

24 hours will pass.

What will happen in the next week?

7 days will pass.

What will happen in the next month?

Kim Kardashian will divorce and have another child with another guy.

Twerking

So they've added "twerking" to the Webster dictionary.

What a waste of time.

The people who use that word can't even read.

Blonde Crime

Three women are about to be executed for crimes they committed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the brunette yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” The redhead then screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did and knew exactly what she needed to do. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…”

The blonde shouts, “Fire!“

Popcorn

They say 45% of the internet is po(pco)rn.
So basically I haven’t seen 55% of the internet.

Respect your parents

Respect your parents; they had to(learn another language without Google Translate.) do their homework without Google.

Chicken Fetus

"I can't eat this chicken fetus..."

"That's a very common misconception. The eggs you buy aren't fertilized. Without a male around, hens still lay eggs every few days. So remember you are not eating a chicken's baby."

*eats egg*"Mmmmmm"

"You're eating its period.”

Bear Grylls

If you're stranded on an island for 2 minutes and you immediately go hungry, whom will you resemble?

Bear Grylls.

Why I Followed You

A cop stopped me and asked, "do you know why I followed you?" so I said "cause my tweets are funny" and we laughed and high-fived and I'm in jail.

Bad At Math

70% of people says I’m bad at math; I’m glad the other 40% disagrees.

Bury A Donkey

Where do you bury a Donkey?

In an ass hole.

Like Grandma

"Mom, I wish you were more like Grandma...."

"Dead."

Socially Awkward Condition

I have this condition that makes me socially awkward.

I'm ugly.

Your Own Path

My Grandpa used to say, "Don't follow other people's path; create your own to be followed."

During WWII, he got killed in a minefield.

Swimming

I was so good at swimming...when I was in my mom’s fallopian tubes. I don’t understand why I’m such a fatass now.

Failed Abortion

Friend: "Ha, you failed!"

Me: "Yeah, just like your mom's abortion"

Rape Tester

I tell people that I test rape alarms for a living.

It's better than saying I'm a rapist

Government Debt

I’m so in debt, I could start my own government.

Ducks

I was walking down the street when I saw a line of ducks waddling around. When I got closer, I noticed a bunch of girls taking selfies.

Facepalm

When your teacher gives a 20 minute speech about not wasting time.

The Law

Teacher: "You're here to learn."

Student: "No, we're here because it's the law."

Procrastinating

I'm gonna stop procrastinating. In a few hours.

Donuts

African kid: "So you're saying that some of your people die because they're too fat?

American kid: "You're saying you don't have donuts?"

Internet Explorer's Existence

Internet Explorer is a lot like my gay son.

I only remember it exists when someone makes a joke about it.

Second-hand Vegetarian

I'm a second-hand-vegetarian.

Cows eats grass.

I eat cows.

Barney

“I love you; you love me. We are one big happy family.”

-Barney, the biggest pedo-dino of all time.

Studies

Studies have shown that people who don't die tend to live longer.

Transfer

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold while we transfer you to India so one of them can deal with your bullcrap."

Sellout

The word "sellout" gets used too much these days. You aren't a sellout if you do what you love. Oh, by the way, this joke is sponsored by Dodge Ram.

Asian Joke #12

"Daddy, I failed my test."

"WHAT?"

"It was a pregnancy test…"

"...I feel conflicted..."

9-11

Just tried to go on the 9/11 Memorial website...

But the thing keeps crashing....

Jay-Z

My friend’s name is Jay and he’s lazy. So I call him Jay-Z.

Last Person on Earth

Girl: "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth."

Boy: "Biatch, if I were the last person on earth, you wouldn't be here!"

A Quiet Man

"A quiet man is a thinking man".....

....a quiet woman is...usually pissed off.

CNN

CNN: "Syrians rebel after boy is tortured, killed and handed back with his penis removed"

Sounds like Syria is ruled by an evil Dick-taker.

Asians and Lightbulbs

How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They'll just make a new one.

Swarm

This afternoon I was swarmed by a group of gay men. I didn't know how to escape. I had to beat them off left and right.

Read again

I know sex, how to sex, keep a sex, dumb ass sex, like you sex, BUSY for sex, 15 seconds. Read again without sex.

Haiti

Oh, we should help out Haiti?

Where the crap were they when we were getting ass raped by Hurricane Katrina and Sandy?

Asian Joke #11

Highest GPA is 5.0? Why you no have 6.0?

Asian Joke #10

Your friend get 110? Why you no get 115?

Asian Joke #9

You no get above 100 in calculus?

I know a homeless shelter 2 mile away.

Shrooms

My friend and I got lost in the woods. We survived by eating shrooms.

Which, incidentally, is how we got lost.

Juan Likes Tacos

“I don’t like tacos,” said no Juan ever.

Retarded Dubstep Son

My retarded son seems to be doing really well in his Dubstep band.

He keeps dropping the bass.

Supporting Children In China

Today, I decided I'd show support to the poor children being enslaved in China.

I bought a pair of Nike's they made.

Asian Joke #8

You got 100 on your mass test? You could’ve done better.

Asian Joke #7

Do you know why Asians are Asians and not Bsians?

Asian Joke #6

You got Hepatitis B?

Why not Hepatitis A?

Mexicans and Lightbulbs

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Juan.

Mario is awesome

I'll believe video games cause damage to the brain when someone eats a red, dancing flower and tries to start shooting turtles with fire.

WOW

Apparently there's a cheat in World of Warcraft.

If you play everyday you get unlimited virginity.

Confucius

Confucius say “meeting girl in the park good", but
"parking meat in the girl better.”

Asian Joke #5

If at first you don't succeed,

Don't come back home.

Mariachi Band

My mexican friends and I are starting a mariachi band. It’s called Juan direction.

Women's Design

Women are designed for two things - making babies and making sandwiches.

And they even need help with the first one.

Dead Dog

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got an identical one. She was pissed. What am I going to do with two dead dogs?

Panda God

I worship panda bears.

Don't laugh at me - I can prove they exist.

My Favorite Beer

Today I'm gonna have my favorite kind of beer.

It's called ‘a lot’.

Notice To Females

ATTENTION ALL FEMALES:

Stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

What do you open?

Q: It’s 3:00 am; the doorbell rings and you wake up. Outside, there are unexpected visitors, they’re your parents and they are there for breakfast. You have strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What is the first thing you open?

A: Your eyes

Foreign

Math is like another language to me. It’s 2 4N. (too foreign)

English is like another language to me. Oh wait, it is another language to me.

Rule of Grammar

Rule of Grammar: Double negatives are a no-no.

Vegetarian Wannabe

I'm trying to become a vegetarian, so now I'm only eating seafood, like lobster and drowned cows.

Mexican Basketball

What do you call two mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan

Tickling

Tickle me and I’ll tickle your neck with a chainsaw.

Asian Joke #4

If at first you don't succeed,

Don't come back home.

Cooking Skills

My cooking skills are so good that the smoke detectors cheer me on.

Asian Joke #3

Son you can be anything you want.

Doctor or engineer.

Asian Joke #2

"Dad, I got a B positive on my test."

"WHAT?!?!? why you do dat, son?"

"It was my blood test..."

"THAT IS NO MATTER! YOU MUST GET ‘A’ POSITIVE!!!"

MC Hammer

Having a wife is like being MC Hammer. You’ll be broke in the next 5 years.

Terrorist Teacher

I once had a teacher who was a terrorist. He had weapons of maths instruction.
He was part of the Al Gebra.

Weird

I like chatting with my animals everyday, but I’m starting to wonder why people have stopped talking to me recently.

Lightning

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works. Then it struck me.

Cross-eyed Teacher

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Women and Knives

What's the difference between a knife and a woman? A knife has a point.

Reading Skills

My friend went up to me and said, “I’m homy”, and I said, “you probably read that wrong.”

Green Wheels and Paint

What is green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What is blue, but smells like red paint?

Blue Paint.

Asian Joke #1

Your sister got a 'B' on a math test?

Congratulations you only child now.

Pencil

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Juicy Head

So a blonde met this lady at a supermarket and she was knocking on a watermelon. The blonde asked her what she was doing and she said, “ If the watermelon sounds hollow, then it's a juicy watermelon.” So later that day when the blonde went back home to her roommate, she told her that she had a juicy head.

I'm Preggo

What women say - "I'm pregnant."

What men hear - "Push me down the stairs."

Long and Black

What’s long, black and filled with white?

A black submarine that has white lights.

Typical Conversation in America

Typical Conversation between child and parent in America:

“Mom, we need more Nutella.”

“Honey, we just bought some yesterday, and you already ate all of it.”

“Mom!!! I NEED MORE NUTELLA!!!”

“Honey, aren’t you scared of putting on that much weight?”

“You’re just jealous, because I have larger breasts than you.”

“That’s my point, Eric.”

Batman

Yo, I heard you wanted to be like batman.

So I shot your parents.

Video Game reality

I'll believe that video games cause violence when someone tries to kill a pig by throwing a bird at it.

Miley Cyrus

I'm trying to come up with a Miley Cyrus joke, but it's not twerking.

Blind Man

A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog. Much to the store owners surprise the blind man picks up the dog by it’s tail and starts swinging it around over his head. Puzzled, and a bit upset the store owner walks over to the man and says, “Excuse me sir can I help you.” “No thank you” the blind man replies, “I’m just looking around!”

Historical Rap #5

"You only get one shot; do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime”

- Osama Bin Laden

Best Halloween Costume

On November 1st, dressed in normal clothes, I went outside to trick-or-treat; I rang on my neighbor's doorbell, and he opened the door. "What are you doing here?", asked he, while I responded, "Trick-or-Treat!". He told me that Halloween was yesterday, but nevertheless, out of curiosity, he asked, "What are you dressed up as?" I responded, "a procrastinator".

NBA

I'm so glad the NBA is finally back....
That means crime will go down by a lot.

Historical Rap #4

“I woke up in a new bugatti” - Henry Ford

Elevator

An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts their spirits.

Boss

When I'm at work, sometimes I have to remind people who's boss.

Like my boss. He has alzheimers.

Cast

I asked my son if I could write on his cast;
I like to sign my work.

Immigrant from Poland

An immigrant from Poland who was married to an American barged into the police station out of breath. “My wife, she try to kill me” he stammered. “Are you absolutely sure?” questioned the police officer. “Of course I'm sure” he counter-insulted “you think I dumb, look what I found in her purse” he said pulling a bottle out of his pocket, “look it says polish remover!”

Historical Rap #3

“Free my niggas” - Abraham Lincoln

A Tornado in Mexico

A tornado hit a house in Mexico. 834 Casualties.

KKK

Kim, Kourtney and Khloe.
The only KKK that will let black guys inside them.

Black Men

A black man takes a white girl home.
She says, "Show me that it's true what they say about black men."
So he stabs her and steals her purse.

An Asian man takes a white girl home.

She says, “Show me that it’s true what they say about Asians.”
He pulls out his report card.

Historical Rap #2

Historical Rap #2
"All black everything” - Hellen Keller

Historical Rap #1

"Call me, maybe?" - Alexander Graham Bell

Funniest Joke

I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You that read wrong too.

Congress

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Jury's vote

My father just died, my brother is a wheelchaired war veteran, my daughter has cancer, and my wife just left me....

... is apparently the best way to get the jury's vote.

Chewing gum in urinal

I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today.

I thought, "That must have been really painful."

Pokemon

If you teach a parrot to say “parrot”, that’s probably the closest you will get to owning a pokemon.

Hearing Aids

While working in a post office, a lady barged in complaining that she got home to find a note from the mail man saying that he tried to deliver a package but nobody was home. “My husband was home all day!”, she fumed. After giving her the package I heard her tell somebody “Oh, I’m so excited, my husbands new hearing aids!”

Intoxicate

Now I only drink on days that start with "T".

Tuesday, Thursday, Today.

Haley's Comet

Listen, whenever you think I might be wrong, I want you to think of Haley's Comet.
Because it only happens once every 76 years.

Kardashian and Lightbulbs

How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? She buys a new mansion.

Old Hobbits

It is said Bilbo Baggins died with an erection.
Safe to say old hobbits die hard...

Son's Email Address

I had to talk with my son about his email address: pussyking6969@hotmail.com.

Can you believe that cunt, still using Hotmail?

Video Games

I’ll believe video games are real after I see someone get run over by a tank, shot down by an army and hit with a grenade, but still get healed with a defibrillator.

5 year-old Supermodel

I said to my 5 year old daughter "Do you know what happens to girls who don't eat?" She said "They become supermodels"

Intoxication

Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed at 3:00 am when he heard an urgent knocking at the door. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he made his way to the door. “Can you give me a push”, asked the man at the door.” Jeff looked at the man, thinking he looked a bit drunk, slammed the door in his face and went back to bed. “Shame on you”, said his wife Sally, when hearing the story. “You remember on our vacation how our car got stuck in the middle of the night and that man helped us, go out there and push his car.” So Jeff trudges back out of bed, opens the door, and calls out “Ok I’m here to give you a push, where are you?” I’m over here in the back” came the voice “on the swing.”

Thug Life

I was walking down town square when I saw 2 guys trying you take an old lady's purse, so I went to help.

We got it off her in the end.

Logic

Since it takes more energy to frown than to smile, you can help someone trying to lose weight by making fun of them.

Old Mrs. Green

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous. “John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.” So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door. “So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up. “How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

Bitter Divorce

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally after a long court case the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it” said Sam “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”

Zebras

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white

stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't

know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did

and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other

zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are

what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black

stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Blonde Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."

Business

My husband was trying to get rid of a perfectly good couch, but despite it being outside for over a week with a sign that said “FREE” nobody was taking it. Then my teenage son thought of a plan, he put a sign “$50″ on it, it was gone the next day!

Elevator Magic

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishesshe also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

True Story

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?

His lips start moving.

Pretty Black Problems

A person complaining about pretty girl problems is like a black guy walking up to a group of Koreans and saying, "Don't ya'll hate it when you sit down on the toilet and yo penis hits the water?" Although the better question to ask here is: Why is a black guy talking to a group a Asians?

Parachuting

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Joe

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company..I came to hook up your phone."

New Blonde Stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

"Generous" Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Sign Language

I'm glad I know sign language; it's pretty handy.

Baseball

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

No Brain

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor.

"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."